Why Can't I Stop Beating on my Boyfriend?

I'm a very easy-going young adult type of a girl, just trying to make it in life. My parents were divorced when I was young and I haven't seen my dad since I was 6 years old, but he used to beat on my mother and I remember it. I live with my grandparents right now because I'm just barely graduating high school and my mom kicked me out of her house last month. Those facts probably sound weird, but I'm actually a very kind and loving and optimistic person-a hippy, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I recently fell in love with a 20-year-old guy and we've been seeing each other for a couple of months. We get along really great and he's truly the sweetest and most self-sacrificing guy I've ever known. As a matter of fact, I think that he cares about me more than he cares about himself. We love each other immensely and have a great friendship going on and know each other better than anyone else.

There's a big problem on my end of the relationship. I think that I might be sadistic or something and I can't stand myself for it. I get in these moods where I start saying some mean things to my boyfriend and then I start hitting him with hard objects for no good reason. I actually get some kind of a morbid high from inflicting physical pain on him and I hate that. My boyfriend hates it when I treat him bad like that. He always reacts by telling me to stop hurting him and telling me that he's going to leave if I keep doing that to him. And then he gets mad and walks away by himself because I just won't stop it. It'll take me about ten minutes before I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame and go to find him and sob and apologize all over him and promise never to do that to him again. It's happened about three times now and each time he has forgiven me.

I just don't know how to make myself stop hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore and I feel awful about it. It's also putting a strain on our relationship because he'll probably end up leaving me if I keep treating him so badly. What's wrong with me? How can I stop beating on my boyfriend?

Heather (18 year-old woman)

Source: queendom.com